Saturday, 4 June 2011

levels of tiredness

I had 3.5 hours sleep and I’m officially Dog Tired.  By my reckoning there are varying levels of sleep deprivation.  This is the Anonomum tiresness scale.  Where do you rank?
1 – Tired.  It’s what you used to feel in the evenings pre-children after a long/hard day shopping/working/socialising.  It’s where you yawn, stretch and retire to bed at the usual time.  You may even have enough energy to read, have sex, potter around the bedroom before falling asleep.  When you wake up you spring out of bed, skip to the shower, pick fresh flowers from the garden, cook your husband a full breakfast and start a new project like erecting a fence/doing the accounts/learning a new language. 
2 – Over Tired.  It’s where you definitely need to sleep, but something got in the way and you’re now extra tired and you have an edge.  You’re probably yawning a lot and rubbing your eyes.  Maybe you’ve a bit grumpy and think unkind thoughts about your husband.  You might even be snipping at him a bit, or fed up with the baby/ies constant feeding cycle.   But when you finally sleep and get up you’re refreshed enough to fuction.  You’re back to your happy self with the baby/ies.  You are willing to fix your partner toast, jam, orange juice and coffee.  You have a conversation about establishing a night time routine for the babies, and are hopeful about them sleep through soon.
3 – Dog Tired.  You ignore your alarm 3 times, you drag your arse out of bed, shuffle to the shower, put on yesterdays clothing covered in milk vomit because thinking of a new outfit is too hard.  You sling your partner one of your slices of toast across the room, and vow not to do anything for him ever again.  You spend a lot of time with your head in your hands and taking deep breaths before carrying on with the next chore…usually feeding or feeding related.  After a feed, you realise you’ve been staring at your baby for 10 minutes without actually winding it ...and that they are staring back at your like you're replaced their mum with a statue.  You’ve probably forgot to change your baby/ies at their feed.  You’re complaining continually that you need to sleep.  You stare at your turned off tv for 10 minutes before realising it’s not on.  You’ve probably had that argument with you partner about who’s had more sleep, and therefore who’s morally allowed a lay in.  You’ve probably laid down the law and made your partner do the next night feeds.  You’re bleeding down your chin from biting your lip all day about how f##cking annoying he is.
4 – Zombiefied.  You turn your alarm off and vow not to get up unless the baby/ies are proper screaming or the house is burning down.  At 1pm you sack off the shower and stay in your pj’s instead all day.  Who cares if you smell and look like Grot Bags dragged through a hedge backwards.  Brushing your hair or teeth hasn’t even crossed your mind.  You’re suddenly in the kitchen, you’re not sure how you got there or why you’ve put the cereal in the dishwasher, but you’re too tired to take it back out and press the start button.  You eat a yogurt, a lump of cheese, and a Wispa bar for breakfast.  Jermey Kyle is on repeat and you can’t be arsed to reach for the remote a few feet away, so you watch it…it helps make you feel better.  You’re pasty white and frighten yourself in the mirror.  You beg a family member to come round and give you a few hours of sleep.  You vow to start taking the advice you thought was stupid up until now of “sleeping when the babies do”.  You grunt at your partner and are too angry to talk to him…what ever is wrong in the world is his fault.
5 – Away with the Fairies.  You haven’t slept.  You don’t know if it’s day or night.  You forget you've just feed the baby and so feed it again. You drift in and out of reality.  You fantatsise about being sectioned just to get some sleep...and drugs.   When people talk to you you’re not sure if you’re dreaming, or if you should respond.  Did that object just move out of the corner of your eye?  You can’t respond quickly or succinctly in any way.  You'd adopt out your kids to your family if the paper work wasn't so energy consuming.  You absolutely cannot count to five to count the formula scoops for the baby's bottles, most of the powder goes over the floor anyway because your brain can no longer communicate with your body.  You look like you have motor neurone disease.  Food?  You think you’ve had breakfast, but really you’re remembering the breakfast from 2 days ago.  And if you do get hungry you’ll just eat that bit of crust off the carpet that got away from last nights gourmet dinner – jam sandwiches.  You regularly forget you’re a parent or that live with someone else.
6 - Only actual torture victims and mums of triplets or more know about this.

So come on then, where are you on the scale?  Or do you think I've missed one out?  Love to hear it.

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