Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Enough is enough

It’s been ages since I last blogged.  I’ve really wanted to but have had zero energy, a result of getting up 4-9 times a night with the twins.  It’s been pretty tough and I’ve been lurching between feelings of boredom, extreme tiredness, guilt and back again.

I think the accumulation of bad sleep has just got to me and I found myself up against a proverbial brick wall.  I’ve not been able to get up in the mornings.  Putting the girls in my bed and drifting in and out of consciousness whilst putting their dummies back in (dummy popping as my friend calls it) until mid morning.   I think they mostly slept too, but to be honest I don’t know.  I’ve regularly found myself sitting on the floor with them and having no energy or inclination to talk, let alone play with them.  It’s like I’ve given them everything and now there’s nothing left.   I do love them so much but I’ll be honest, I clock watch and count down the hours til 7pm when they go to bed.  Then the guilt comes and then I worry that I’ve not been stimulating them enough, and therefore compromising their development.  I realize I may sound slightly nuts but I’m an ex-Catholic and so haven’t shaken the whole guilt thing yet. 

Enough is enough.  I badly needed time to myself to feel refreshed and have more energy for them, so the reason I can happily type again is because today is their first day in Nursery.  Yeap, I’ve shipped them out for one day a week to get some much needed me time and I’m having a fab day, thanks for asking.  I did feel emotional when I dropped them off but it lasted for about 3 seconds and before I knew it I was skipping home with nothing but a hot cup of tea and an episode of Friends on my mind.  So far I’ve been shopping, had lunch, baked some bread, meditated and now am eating Brie and crackers whilst I happily tape away.

Another major change in our household is that last week I made the decision to let insomnia baby cry at night and get herself off to sleep.  Up until then I’d dummy popped (a great phrase created by a friend), so each time they’d cry I’d go in and give them their dummies.  So instead, I let her cry for 10 minutes before I’d go in and give her the dummy.  Although that 10 minutes felt like 2 hours, I’m pleased to announce it was a success.  By the third night she got herself back to sleep all night, and now I hear her once and only for about a minute.  In fact, she’s a better sleeper now than Scratchy, who often goes for 12 hours.  For the first time I felt like I actually knew what I was doing as a mum, it was due after 7 months.

7 MONTHS!  Un-freaking believable.  Obviously the babies are so much bigger and doing more, but I’ve changed so much.  I’ve finally accepted that my house will be filled with baby crap and have stopped tiding it away every night.  My mascara face is now my spoon feeding face – I can’t feed them without my mouth opening in sympathy. I cry at stupid things like Katy Perry’s “firework”.  Man, the second verse just gets to me every time.  I’ve noticed I spend a lot of time with my arse in the air, or on my knees…red rag to a bull if my husband had any energy…which thankfully he doesn’t.  I see new parents with tiny babies and understand they are completely wrapped up in their little creation….there’s no point talking baby with them…I’d get no stage time.  My once flexible body now needs time to unfold in the morning, my first trip to the toilet looks like I’m a recent double amputee who’s getting used to her wooden legs.  A new-mum friend of mine likens her trip to the kitchen and back in the morning as the pictures of evolution of man.  She may start like a bent over chimp, but is fully erect again in only a few minutes.  I’ve shaken the OCD sterilising obsession and now operate the three second rule for dropped dummies.  I used to change them when they dropped on the couch! (nutter), but now I’ll think about washing them if they drop on the floor in a public toilet.

I’m hoping this new time to myself will mean more enthusiasm, energy and blogs…watch this space.