Monday, 20 August 2012

10 Things You're Not Told About Having Kids Under Two (Part 1)

1.       Although you already know that hair loss is common during pregnancy, or just after birth, what you’ll fail to think about is when it grows back you’ll have large sections of 3cm long hair sticking up and making you look like Mr Majeika.  Don’t panic, wear a hat for 3 months and ride it out, or do a Sinead O’Conner.

Post Pregnancy Mr Majeka Syndrome
2.       You’ll develop a new super power – being able to hear a pin drop while your little one/s  are asleep.  This is a curse because you’ll pick up on sounds you’ve never noticed before, and will attack the neighbours if they so much as cough when your kids are asleep.
3.       You’ll need to wear high necked tops because from about a year on, they’ll just pull your baps right out in public.  Protect yourself, but do enjoy when they do it to someone else, it’s hilarious.   
4.       You can fart freely  in public and blame it on the kids. 
5.       You can use them as an excuse to get out of anything.  “We’d love to come but that’s Itchy & Scratchy’s nap time”, “I was going to contact you but they’ve been so ill”, “of course I still find you attractive darling, but they’ve just worn me out today”.
6.       You’ll grow a temporary toddler hump because you’re constantly bending over.
7.       Take up lifting weights after your kids are too heavy to pick up.  Otherwise those muscular mammas will turn into bingo wings as fast as you can say “corrective surgery please”.
8.       You won’t be using a small size handbag for quite some time.  You’ll envy others with cute tiny purses, while you drag your house on wheels along behind you.
9.       You’ll love them with all your heart, but just not enough to give them your biscuits/chocolate/sweets/cheese/crisps (Delete as appropriate).  You share everything with them, so need something that is just for you.
10.   You’ll need to put aside some parenting trousers – much like you may have done with some decorating trousers - because you’ll only get through a day crud-free once in a blue moon...when they are with someone else.
 The list could go on forever I'm betting.  What would you add to this?

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